Somehow我的第一印象总是很不准。第一次去New Haven的时候，是2015年2月份。我完全低估了新英格兰地区冬天的寒冷程度，只带了一件薄风衣。耶鲁的哥特式建筑，配上4点就天黑的冬天，和大街上奇怪的流浪汉，和哆哆嗦嗦的我，好一副凄惨景象。当时我对自己说，我不要申请耶鲁。结果，
第一次来日内瓦是2016年毕业旅行和爸妈一起。当时我安排的很有问题，住了一个很破的酒店。从酒店下楼，站在街头等公车的时候，我和妈妈低头看见花坛底下有死老鼠，但抬头满大街的宾利、奢侈品店。当时我只觉得贫富差距写在眼前，毫无生活气氛，日内瓦是我在瑞士最不喜欢的城市了。结果，
还没有结果，也离有结果还有很远距离。好在工作四个月后，生活上终于多了一点点节奏，工作的时候也能够放松许多，手里工作的性质也开始变得多元了起来，可以根据自己的状态挑一些工作做，工作也开始对trading多了一些指导意义。很喜欢firm。
刚进firm的时候，有一天中午和旁边的trader去跑步，他说everyone who joined the company got a little fitter and dressed a little better six months later。 真的是这样，非常elite的culture，没有chitchat，就赚钱干活就完了。我来了firm之后，中午去跑步，都变快了。很感激这个机会，不管结果怎么样，我都学到很多了。
我发现自己不管怎么样都会无比焦虑。2023年秋天找实习的时候真的超级焦虑，当时想着说找到实习就好了吧，结果找到实习，开始实习，甚至被老板说doing well，还是会很焦虑。
焦虑是常态。是因为我没有身份的原因么？一大部分是得吧，如果我也有Permis C 那我可能就没这么紧张了，毕竟现在我的命运不完全在我手里。
就想要父母健康，有一份自己还算喜欢的工作，在一个接纳自己的城市，自己健康就okay了。有很多人比我幸运很多，我要努力十几年的事情他们生来就有。也有很多人没我幸运，一辈子不管如何都不会有我一半的生活质量。我如果有一天真的得到这些，会满足吗？
是什么时候开始的呢？很明确的知道是初中，一路worry上来，都不记得完全放松是什么样子了。Moderate to high anxiety真的是绝佳的motivation，kJ/gram堪比uranium235，能够一直源源不断提供前进能量。但不得不说自己对settle down还是很大向往的。有时候我感觉自己over the roof cortisol level 会导致我提前衰老。
I am a terrible city dweller。在深圳实习的半年，我就没出过南山区，甚至没去过广州一次。在日内瓦的四个月，我还没去过市中心。在瑞士的两年半，我还没去过苏黎世。可能是天生对逛街，小咖啡店，餐厅，酒吧，市中心一类的没有热情，周末只想天气好和朋友骑着小毛驴狂飙120公里，吃我自己做的饭，喝我调的酒。看Social Media看多了，以为是自己不会放松，不会生活，还试图fit into the square。突然我意识到，我不是不会生活，或者不享受生活，只是说享受的方式不一样罢了。
骑行有一个好处，就是可以很痛苦很痛苦，尤其是the mental pain cave on a long steep climb。这就是 type 2 fun to its fullest extent，甚至比alpine还要type2。IYKYK。我老板说, endurance sports 就是这样，you either love it or you hate it。自从老板带我去骑了la barillette, 发现Geneve旁边这么多Jura的山头，我就大改对GVA的态度。最近还结识了新的骑友，很体贴很耐心实力很强的男生，很是开心。
1月份以来，在fitness上还给自己了一些其他的小目标。跑步啊是我太擅长的事情了，还是要找些不擅长的事情做。这周四在不擅长的事情上，发现有进步，很是欣喜。我已经很久没有这种性质的out of my comfort zone。开始进入这个项目的时候，我是完全没有信心的，是一个blindly entering, completely trust the process的过程。Acquiring brand new skills 好有趣的。
完全碎碎念一篇，想到哪儿写到哪儿。最想说的还是，FYY你看事情都turn out to be fine，那就少一点点fear，多一点点trust in the process。脱离了恐惧驱动的努力，大概率会更加事半功倍吧。希望自己能够truly embrace the challenges ahead，纵身一跃，底下有很结实的网。
最后想说，最近读完了Dolly Alderton的新书，之前她的两本我也都很喜欢，insightful, funny, whitty, sharp, poignant, easy and well worth the read。想摘抄几个句子，很有共鸣的。
(From a man’s perspective)
I want to talk to her about how I feel, but it’s not even interesting to me any more. And I don’t know how to choose the right words to correctly represent all the thoughts and feelings that are piling up inside me. Women think we don’t want to talk to them about our emotions because we’re embarrassed of being vulnerable. It’s more that we’re embarrassed of seeming stupid. Every time I hear Jane and Jen or Mum and one of her friends talk about something emotional, it’s like listening to an orchestra perform. Often with no warm-up, they launch effortlessly into the chosen symphony of feelings for the day. And when I offer my thoughts I know I’m runing it – hooting along tunelessly like a grade-one recorder player.
(with protagonist’s grandma)
In her last weeks, she had moments of lucidity, and I cherished them when I was around to talk to her. One of these conversations happened when it was just me and her in the hospital room.
‘I suspect you will never have a husband’, she said, looking at me intently from her bed.
‘Would you be upset if that happened?’ I asked.
‘Your mother would be,’ she said, then lowered her voice. ‘But I think you would be wise not to.’
This surprised me as I had always thought that she and my grandfather had been very happy together.
‘Why do you say that?’ I asked.
Her hand, spotted in soft-brown splodges, the rails of her bones protruding, flapped gently at me to take it. I cupped it in both of mine.
‘You have a home that is yours,’ she said. ‘And your own money. Don’t you?’
‘Yes I have a bit of money’
‘And you have your education. And you have your career.’ I nodded.
‘Then you have everything,’ she said.
(with her ex-boyfriend’s mother)
‘What about children?’ I asked.
There was a long pause.
‘I could never regret having my son. His existence in the world is the best thing I will leave in it when it’s my time to go.’
‘I know,’ I assured her.
Another long pause.
‘But do I ever think about what my life would have been like had I been brave enough to not become a mother? Had I been brave enough to even imagine what that life could have been like?’
‘Do you?’, I asked, checking she was still on the line.
‘I think about it all the time,’ she said.
The conversation about children started coming up a lot at around the two-year mark. Andy had always told me he wanted a family; I’d always told him I wasn’t sure. Seeing as he was the one who wouldn’t have to carry a baby, or birth or nurse a baby, we agreed we would revisit the subject every year or so but otherwise try to stay present in our relationship and not talk too much about the future.
I waited for the moment when I would realize this was something I wanted and it never arrived. Andy kept telling me that no one is ever ready to have a baby and that it will always feel terrifying. The more he said this, the more resentful I became. The risk felt so much higher for me and it wasn’t something he would ever truly acknowledge. This baby’s life would rely on my maternity leave, my savings, my body, my career. I would have to make all the sacrifice while Andy’s life could continue mostly as normal.
……Did I want to be someone’s girlfriend? Was it something I could do? In my years of being single, I had said as much to friends, which was always taken as an expression of insecurity or fear. ‘You just haven’t met the right person,’ they’d assure me. But, there I was, with the right person. He wasn’t perfect, but I was in love with him, and he was in love with me. And yet I could never really understand whether I was in a good relationship or not. I couldn’t measure what the reality of long-term love was; what was settling for something when I should be asking for more. For every chatty Friday-night dinner, there was a meal where it felt like we had nothing to say to each other. For every fun pub session, there was a drunken argument. For every night we had sex, there were five nights where we lay in bed on our phones not speaking…..
If you he asked me for any advice about … personal matters - personal realtionships - I wouldn’t have a whole lot to say, because I don’t know a whole lot about it. But I would say that –'
He stops himself and makes a sound of a half-formed word, then stops himself again. He takes a breath and speaks in an uncharacteristically unhurried way.
‘Life is a bit more difficult for women. More difficult than it is for us, I mean. And you don’t need to ask them to explain why or understand it all. You just need to be nice to them.’