The juicy part! Except mine isn’t really juicy.

Friendships

To be perfectly honest I had always struggled making friends or maintaining friendships, and especially at Yale. After four years, I have gotten to know some people (I am an acquitance with maybe 5% of my class), and call maybe half a dozen people “friends”, and have two people who I talk to frequently enough.

I long for the kind of “I will always be there for you” friendship, as depicted in movies or books, the kind between Harry Ron and Hermione. But I have never been in one at Yale. I envy those who can just walk into the dining hall and have a dozen people they can sit with for lunch. I feel a bit sad when they always have some birthday party or formals to go to.

I couldn’t locate where the problem is. One reason might be that I am always busy. I always have something due, some quiz/exam to study for, and some experiments to be done in the lab. This is, of course, not just my situation, but most yalies' situation, as manifested in the tremendous amount of luring (often with food) and repeated reminders to make sure people show up.

So it comes down to priority. Do I go support my friend’s new theatre show or do I write some code for lab? Do I go for a run or do I listen to my friend complaining?

Most often I prioritize myself. Instead of sitting longer with friends during dinner and listening to what they are up to, I left for the gym. I knew that I needed the physical exertion to stay healthy and sane, although with this comes the fear of missing out. I chose to not go out on Fridays, so that I can stay in my bed binge watching Hospital Playlist. There is a period of my Freshman and Sophomore year, where I’d run a 10k at 6A.M.every morning, shower, eat breakfast and go to classes. By the time I get back to my room in the afternoon, I just wanted to nap and get my homework done.

Because my priorities are different, I might come across as very intense and unsociable. That is true. For the longest time I feel ashamed for it as well. Why am I like this? Why don’t I have time for others? Why do I get invited to parties?

It’s in my fourth year that I finally reconciled with this. I am amused by those who go out every day and every weekend. I accept the fact that very often I don’t want to see anyone. I’d much rather go for a long run, eat, and read till I fall asleep. I feel almost no fear of missing out.

I also found some people confuse networking with making friends. Yalies have a tendency to compare themselves with others, even within a friendship. The nature of the college applications means they love external validations. I sometimes get inquiries about how I am doing that should be better said as “what achievements have you gotten recently?” or “have you gotten a better internship than I have?” At first, I thought I was too sensitive or touchy, unwilling to face my own situation. But gradually I realized what I felt is true. Some yalies have very rigid definition of success - a good job at Wall Street or Silicon Valley, good GPAs, scholarships or medical school (or they did something extraordinary). I have since learned that life is so much more than these, and that external validation as a fuel for working hard does not have a MPG. For those acquintances with whom I wish not to be in further contact, I now have the courage to ignore.

Love

I have seen one person extensively for a long time at Yale, but I won’t go into too much details. I had a great time, learned so much and grew as a person. I have nothing bad to say about him. I wish him the best, always.

Parents

My parents are thousands of miles away from me, and I phone call them several times a week. I am lucky. My parents are not the typical Chinese parents with a set mind of success and grades. My mom especially encourages me to travel, read, be physically active and take risks. She says that I plan too much, that I am too “着急” (impatient) to be on a train to something. There is no set schedule for life.

People have different relationships with their parents. A lot of Chinese parents that I know tend to meddle with their kids' life choices, which I disapprove. Life lessons have to be learned on one’s own will, and when one pitfall is avoided, another pitfall is inevitably waiting. As J.K. Rowling says “Unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all. In which case, you fail by default.”

If you find yourself in these similar situations, where your parents force you to major in Econ or Computer Science, even though at heart you know you want to do theatre, and then do it! Detach yourself from them a little, and be independent. They will survive. They are stronger than you think.

I don’t have siblings (part of the only child generation), so couldn’t attest to those.